You are innocently opening an email from a friend at work. You click on the link and instantly your face puckers and your eyes flinch closed with a groan. "Ug! I'll never be able to get that image out my head now. Thanks a lot, Matt!" From the next cubicle over you hear gleeful, maniacal laughter.
That's how I feel now that I've found out. Except now I am Matt, and I am going to burn your eyes with knowledge.
Those big bellies you see? You know, the boiler, the big bowl full of jelly, the hard stomachs? That is not fat....
...that is impacted feces in the intestines. Yes, you heard me. It's poop.
Now you will never look at Santa the same way again. I know I can't.
Some say his autopsy reported 60 lbs of impacted fecal matter in his intestines when he died. In some cases his colon was (cover your eyes) five inches in diameter where it was supposed to be two.
Why do I know all of this? Because I used to have a girl-version of a boiler. A "fat", hard upper stomach. I looked pregnant. People would ask me when I was due. No joke. And then they would be mortified when I told them I wasn't pregnant. I tried to make them feel better. ("But I do look pregnant, it's not your fault!".) It never worked.
When I did a 30 day juice fast in 2011 I was absolutely horrified when I was still eliminating on Day 11. That's right, 11 days of not chewing any food and I was still pooping.
"Eew!" I jumped around the house flapping my arms in the air, dancing like I could shake this knowledge off.
"What did you think was in there?" my husband asked with raised eyebrows.
He just shook his head. He knew I had zero knowledge of the human body. If I did I would not have been eating at Wendy's three times a week.
You Want To Do What?!
After my juice fast I tried to go Paleo but felt sick after eating vinegar and bananas. I suspected Candida so I went to a clinic which prescribed the Candida Diet for four months and a round of colon cleansing - one colonic a week for 10 weeks. Turns out I needed 12. Yes, 12 times someone vacuumed out my intestines with water and tea. Nothing, I repeat nothing, gives you a more intimate knowledge of intestines than that. Or your colonic technician. We later became friends on Facebook.
So now I can't un-know what I know.
That guy with the big belly eating the pretzel at the Renaissance Faire? Poop. That woman with her purple shirt tenting over her stomach? Poop. Everywhere I see poop. Poop guts. Poop boilers. Feces and bloated intestines. People think because they are "going" in the bathroom they are squeaky clean inside. I did. Maybe you did, too. But now you know. And now you won't be able to get it out of your head. Ever.
I like the easy Paleo stuff.